WTF?!

“Can’t wait to get past whatever the fucking fuck this season is in my life right now – because seriously, what the fuck?!”

There have been a number of times in my life this exact thought has not just crossed, but planted, itself in my mind.

As an adolescent, it was finding out that my two best friends were going to boarding school so I would be headed to the local public high school, alone. Add in a little #socialanxiety and a horrific lack of #selfesteem, it was a recipe for complete and utter disaster. Cue the drugs and alcohol, and another set of bricks for the foundation of Borderline Personality Disorder.

As a teenager, it was my brother ,whom I was very close with, leaving for college and sustaining an injury on the soccer field. Sprinkle some #depression and negative #self-talk in there and watch how the volcano erupts. No care in the world for #consequences or pain. #Riskydecisions and actions just got riskier, and a lack of care provided me some really awful experiences.

As a young adult, it was failed #romanticrelationships. It was the men I picked, the #disrespect I would take, the lack of self-worth I had, and my constant desire to feel #safe in the arms of someone else. I stalked safety, chased it, and after each disappointment, whether in myself or the man, it felt further and further away.

Now, it’s trying to grab onto this healing train. Which goes okay sometimes, and is just absolutely awful the rest of the time. I have taken so many strides forward, and yet, continue to get beaten down within an inch of just where I was before. So much of what I feel and see is turning out to be a mirage, because I’m only choosing to feel and see the things that I want to. I’ve been trudging through the past few years saying, “It can’t get any worse.” And then it does.

People leave.

People die.

Friendships change.

Goals adjust to reality.

Life feels monotonous.

Negative thoughts intrude.

But if there’s one thing I have learned in my 39 years on this earth, it’s that eventually a light really will shine through. There’s no telling where or when, but this state I’m in right now, is just temporary. It isn’t forever.

What did Nemo’s friend say?

“Just keep swimming.”

P.S. Here’s some light that always shines .. I'm always reminded of the gratitude I have for my boys, and now for my career too.