Life-Changing Mirror: Part II - Clarity, A Sign of Hope

"Realize it's not personal; people act out of their own traumas and emotional problems from way back, not because of you." – Robert Greene

Often times, the “why” of #behavior, #beliefs, and #morals comes from experienced #

trauma. While some believe if you process #trauma, it won’t have a negative impact. My experience is that it takes away the possibility of re-traumatizing, but it does not take away the memory or the meaning.

When an individual tells me about an ongoing reaction, feeling, or #judgment, I work to read between the lines. The answers, the reasoning, the “why” is found beneath the surface, and typically a place anyone wouldn’t allow others to go. My theory is that if both the professional and the individual are being entirely honest with themselves and each other, it’s not that hard to identify what could possibly be plaguing them. I have reflected on my own behavior on countless occasions, the behaviors I despise, the ones that I am embarrassed, feel guilty, and shame – I can see that I gave myself no grace, I never looked at the “why”. Not so fun fact, I couldn’t handle the reality, it was painful. The things that impact my current #behaviors, #triggers, #feelings, and #relationships are, now apparent to me, a product of my past.

As planned, let’s get back to Evy – a woman I’ve found easy to relate to, and one that values honesty, in the very same way I do, specifically with myself.

Evy’s second question was far more “big” and I feared what I was going to provide would not allow her to find peace. What if I explain in a way she wasn’t able to connect with, because of me, not her. She was in a #vulnerable state – being both honest and direct were requirements. Evy had started to express her anger about the topic of individuals in recovery, their personalities, their #character, and in her #experience, their sense of #entitlement.

Evy was able to be honest, brutally honest, with me. After our conversations, she is very much aware not only is the most effective way of potentially finding a solution or an understanding from vulernability, but it helps ensure a more positive outcome. That positive outcome, with honesty, was far more likely to benefit relationships, realities, and quality of life.

For real.

Ever tried living a lie? Putting on a mask always. Ignoring your own needs, fears, and hopes. The creation of the lie, of having people think that everything is good – it can cost a life, mine as an example. There is no room in my life for covering up feelings, and I never want someone to feel they have to cover up their feelings when they’re with me.

We know that Evy grew up having an #alcoholic mother, a #drugaddict father, of seeing and being a victim of #childabuse. In some ways, Evy is one of the “lucky ones” having endured so many tragic experiences, and taking the opposite path. She is not an addict of any kind, however, she struggles with her mental health. This should come as a surprise to no one, even with just the cliff notes of her past.

Her question,

“Am I missing something, is there something I don’t understand because I feel like every person in recovery thinks that their better than everyone else. Every addict has a choice of whether or not to use, it is not a disease”.

I paused, I rehashed all of our conversations internally as quickly as possible, I was determined to give her an honest and truthful answer with insight to her frustrations. For 50+ years, this woman had held onto anger as a result of what she saw and felt at the hands of the two people who were meant to keep her safe. The after effects resulted in unhealthy relationships, anger that was directed at the wrong people, and the feeling that isolating was far better than attempting to connect.

Connecting with others is one of the most impactful pursuits for those who are dealing with mental illness and/or substance use disorder.

“I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your honesty. I am absolutely not taking your question personally, and I will never judge the morals, beliefs or feelings of anyone. I know not the true reality of your reality. What I will use to provide you an explanation, is to speak from my own experience and personal feelings.

I thought the same as you for so long. So long. And as I got older, I became aware of the countless people in my life who struggled and battled the disease of addiction. I had first hand experience way more times than I wish to count, losing friends and family because of this monster that plagues us.

So here it is. I truly believe, there isn’t a human on this earth that’s waking up and saying, I want to be an alcoholic, I want to be an addict, I want to have [insert any mental illness here]. While we may surrender to our disease, sometimes it’s not for lack of trying. We do not have a choice when it comes to being an alcoholic or a drug addict. The choice is whether or not to “succumb” or obtain treatment. We must accept our disease/illness, and make the decision to ask for help, and follow the suggestions. Addiction is 10% using, and 90% thinking. Taking the step to surrendering and, one step further, getting help or treatment, is not only not easy, but unlikely. It is even more unlikely if we don’t have support, resources or any idea where to go. Dependent on the individual, they may feel that they have no idea how to live any other way – the concept of change is so incredibly scary, it’s easier to stay where they are.”

And then I paused. Evy was smiling, and almost appeared to have tears in her eyes. She simply said,

This makes so much sense. Thank you. May I give you a hug?

I took the hug, and something told me this wouldn't be the last time I heard from her. As I watched her walk out of the room and down the hallway, it was as if she had a bounce in her step. Until I was out of sight, she repeated "Thank you" over and over again. And I walked down the hallway with this thought,

This was a really great day. In a world where success rates for remission and recovery are very low, there aren't always breakthroughs that provide hope. She was lighter and brighter because the clarity gave her hope to not have to carry the weight of this anger. As for me, it gave me a hope that my life experience really does have meaning and purpose.

I'm right where I'm supposed to be. And that required a hell of a lot of grit.