Life-Changing Mirror: Part I - The Roommate

I had a rather interesting conversation the other day with a woman named Evy. Her opening line was,

“I don’t want you to take what I’m about to say personally, but I really need advice on two things.”

In the past, my first impulse was to say and feel something along the lines of, “Oh, greatttttt. Meaning it is directed at me.” #Sarcasm is something that comes easily to me, and is often attempted to shield potential anger. I decided to move forward with the #oppositeaction, I responded,

“I will not take it personally. Know you’re in a #nojudgmentzone, this is a #safespace.”

And she proceeded to explain two very different issues that she has been facing for a considerable amount of time.

Evy began telling me about her roommate who is in recovery. Evy, however, is not in recovery. She also stated the roommate's recovery wasn't brought up until after moving in. They work opposite shifts, and don’t always spend a lot of time together. The issue she began to explain was that she “barely ever drinks” except maybe “an alcoholic seltzer on an occasional basis if she has a bad or long day at work”. The roommate, Sandy, is getting angry because she’s accusing her of leaving her empties all over the place, and feeling disrespected and angry. She’s been know to shout,

“Don’t you know I’m in recovery?!”

Evy begins explaining Sandy is doing exactly what her mother has done in the past, though much different allegations, “my mother denied the #physicalabuse and #neglect of me and my sisters when we were kids.” With Sandy, the false statements were strictly about Evy's drinking and “being a drunk.” It’s important to note that her mother and father (deceased) both identified as alcoholics and drug addicts. Evy’s father sought #addictiontreatment and stayed clean for a number of years until his death. Evy’s mother has not sought help, and is still active.

Evy feels her roommate is “constantly changing her personality on a daily basis. I never know which version I’ll be facing.”

Think about an active #alcoholic or #addict that you know, think about when you see them, can you ever be sure which "version" of them you will be around?

Whether she knew it or not, part of the frustration here was that she was reliving a #traumaticchildhood experience to some extent. Here’s when I begin to notice the coincidental similarities between both individuals (or could they really be unrelated?) . I also notice her #fear, and her strong opinion that she should not have to move, because she loves the apartment, it's affordable, and “it’s not me that’s the problem.”

That’s when she hit me with,

“What do I do?”

Bear in mind I am not a #doctor, #nurse, or licensed therapist/clinician, having listened to her history, the current state of her living situation, and contemplating my own history, the reality of what was actually happening became clear to me. Much like I've fell victim to, Evy is attracting and/or attaching to what she is used to. Familiarity, regardless of how grueling it may be, still provides comfort. In other words, perhaps she subconsciously selected an individual who had the same characteristics of her mother, because that’s what she knows how to deal with. Evy isn't the only person who does this. I, too, have a tendency to create chaos, because I lived in it for all my life. It is far more comfortable and a lot less arduous than #peace for me (… I’m working on it). I often say, I'm #addictedtochaos.

Buttttt, she really didn’t like that explanation. Which I expected, that’s why I said it first, therefore giving her ample time to think about it. She stated,

“I would never involve anyone in my life like my parents.”

I could tell though, she was continuing to ruminate over the possibility the concept may very well be true, while we continued our conversation.

The next option was engaging Sandy in an honest dialogue as a way to create a better, more positive and comfortable living situation for both of them. We discussed ways to invite Sandy into this dialogue in a neutral way.

“Sandy, I have something I want to talk to you about, but it may be a challenging conversation. Do you think now is a good time or should we try later?”

Knowing there’s always the chance that this chat goes completely left, before it even gets started … there’s one last option.

“Find another apartment,”

It appeared hearing me say those words equated to the scratching of nails down a chalk board. I said, very straightforwardly, that while Evy loves the apartment, the location and the cost of rent, being miserable in her living situation is not good for her Mental OR Physical Health. Considering it was Sandy’s home first, and she joined her after responding to an ad, it’s only logical that she would be the one to leave. Shockingly, she DID accept this as a potential reality. And believe me, I was just as surprised as you are.

Because giving up the apartment was the last thing she wanted to do, Evy decided to try the conversation first. Her mind was open to brainstorming and obtaining feedback on the best way to approach Sandy in, what could be best orchestrated as a heart-to-heart. Now, just insert a little improv role play between us and ... she said,

“This is so much better!”

“I never thought of talking to her about it like that.”

“I don’t know if it will work, but I’ll try it.”

And now, for the kicker.

“I can kinda see what you’re saying about my mom and Sandy. I really don’t let people back in my life like that, I thought anyway. But like we’ve talked about before, until we change our ways as far as toxic people goes, we’re going to keep running into the same issues. You got me …”

It’s hard for us to see the reality of our situations when we’ve been living a certain way, with certain thoughts, for so long. Our perception can be blurred, having not experienced anything other than what we're used to. Our belief system is built off of our experiences, our environment, our community, friends, and family. When those things don't change, we continue to perceive our reality a certain way, and much like feelings, perceptions can not be argued.

We see what we see when we see it.

We feel what we feel when we feel it.

We always have the choice to change, we always have the option to see things a different way, however, it typically requires we be willing to connect with others.

Connection is one of the most important human needs to benefit our Mental and Physical Health.

As far as experiences, environment, and beliefs are concerned, Evy’s second question was one that required quick, deep thought, and pure honesty from me. While the first predicament was a current issue, only impacting her for a couple of years, the second was carved into her being. It was the effect of years of #trauma, with nowhere to turn to for support. When thinking, talking, or seeing anything related, she immediately felt and appeared frustrated, angry, and agitated.

Check out Part II ...