Weaponization of Words

Certain people either don't realize or have cruel intention when using #negative, accusatory, insensitive and degrading statements. I cannot speak for others, but I know I'm not the only human in the world to have experienced such a thing.

I had an awful evening the other night having had a conversation with someone I love and care about, someone who was apart of my "chosen" family. I'd love to say it was the only time, however, having reflected - there is a pattern.

That pattern has me pinned as a child, and the other as a man with all the answers, knowledge and experience to dish out advice, less than compassionately, and make judgment calls on nothing but the past, whether 2 years ago or 25 years ago.

I read this quote,

There is a specific, suffocating agony in having your pure intentions twisted into malicious motives by the people you love.

It was exactly how I felt, I couldn't have said it better myself.

During a manic episode I had called a friend who was also part of the "chosen family", his sister, because I was fixated on gifting her daughter a necklace that was mine, but would now be hers. When I called her, she said something along he lines of, "That's fine, but not tonight, we have guests and we're going to bed right after." But, like I said, I was fixated. She needed to receive the necklace now, tonight, because that's what I needed to happen. And, what do you know, just 5 minutes later I was parking my car outside their house and heading to let myself in through the front door.

I remember my friend looking completely dumbfounded, and also pissed that I had crashed the get-together. After all, she did tell me no. I walked in and approached her daughter, showing her the plastic bag with the necklace inside, but the necklace was tangled. I couldn't get the knot out of it, and I was getting frustrated. Her mother asked for the necklace so I gave her that and the bag, in hopes that she would be able to get it out later. And then I sat down, on the hardwood floor next to the family room couch. Petting the dog, and talking to everyone in that room, but of course I was rambling on about 10 different things that were not linear, and probably didn't even make sense, nor did anyone care about what was actually coming out of my mouth.

Then I saw it, she was on the phone and her husband was on the phone. I was about to get in trouble, because my #manicbehavior is always initially recorded (by my network, anyway) as drunk. And so it began, a night of defending myself over my lack of control. A night of #accusations and misunderstanding. Worse, a night where I would later find out included a horrific lie about me hurting the children, and while a lie and with no indicator of truth to the statement, I was ostrasized.

For the record, I have never laid a finger on any kid in that way, I have never been abusive, nor have I displayed signs that would substantiate such an atrocious and dramatic lie. I have absolutely no desire to intentionally harm others, no matter what.

Regardless of the fact this was the result of a manic episode, I still take accountability for my actions being less than desirable. So, I called a few days later, when I felt that I was in a place I could speak rationally. I apologized sincerely, and was told that my friend was scared and angry. I fully accept that, I don't know how I would feel in such a situation because I've never been in one, but I also respect feelings - and they're the one thing you can never argue.

When we ended the call, there was obviously still tension on both sides but having the conversation was helpful for me, and I would imagine for her, just the same. At the very least, we put our #feelings out there. From that day forward, I was basically ignored and if not ignored then fed an excuse for not being able to talk/get together. Something I never thought would ever happen given our pasts and everything we had been through together.

I was very wrong. Our past, our experiences, our laughs, our cries, our friendship as a whole was abandoned because I came over when I shouldn't have and sat on the floor rambling about things that were so jumbled together I'm shocked they even made sense of them. If I had my way, I wouldn't be around for a flare up of my symptoms either, and in a way I'm not around for them. Often times, in a state of that nature, I don't really recall all of it, which is what I mean by "I'm not around for them."

I spent a lot of time overthinking my loss, a lot of time wondering if there was something I could have done differently. If I had the coping skills down at that point, I would have found myself something to do that's monotonous and doesn't take thought. That's about as far as my awareness of self goes in mania. Today, I can do that. On that particular day, I was not able to cope. So I lost someone that really matters to me. Undenounced to me, I went into grieving mode. I hit all the stages:

1. #Denial - "She must be busy .. maybe her husband's traveling for work .. the kids are getting older and have busier schedules .. She would never abandon me for making a fool of myself, coming over to make my niece feel special but definitely having the wrong timing, committing this action when she had friends over ..." The reality? She would abandon me, and believe it was the best decision she could make for herself and her family.

2. #Anger - From a personal standpoint, it made me angry that I couldn't #cope and this was the result. The way I felt towards my friend, as far as anger was concerned, was that she's blaming it on this particular day, yet she was nowhere to be found before that. I had been alone and lonely even in a crowd, and in this situation, I was showing my illness, which can be incredibly uncomfortable. It instilled a sense of #shame.

3. #Bargaining - At first look, I couldn't identify that I felt this. Until I realized, I made a deal with myself. If I promise to let this go, and not attempt to get in touch with her because clearly I wasn't welcome, my Higher Power would no longer put anyone else in my life. This way, I wouldn't impact other's lives because I wouldn't be there. It would keep others from getting annoyed, and it will entirely remove the risk of someone leaving or dying - like they always do.

4. #Depression - This sets in like a ton of bricks, it impacts my mood and my actions. It erases any sense of self, of confidence, of esteem, of being worthy of a good life. I typically don't get off the couch, it turns into sleeping all day and all night. I isolate and don't pick up the phone when it rings, nor respond to a text message when it comes through. I beat myself up, why would anyone want to be apart of my life? I have a lot of screws loose, and I'm still learning how to handle them when they pop-up. Manageability takes time.

And then here I was 2 years later, having an unexpected conversation at 11 PM at night with someone intoxicated, whom I love. I was told all kinds of things I wasn't aware of ... including that I was going to hurt my niece and nephew, that his fiancé did not like me at all because of a night I was beyond intoxicated. Not for nothing, but that's the pot calling the kettle black. It was also years ago. I was told that the friendship with someone who had emotionally, mentally, and verbally abused me was being sustained with a bullshit reason. I was asked questions that had no relation to now, going back as far as 2016. Regardless of what I said, I was accused of always doing the wrong thing.

I am no saint. I make really fucking shitty #mistakes. I make mistakes when I'm stable, I make mistakes when one of my illnesses is active. I make mistakes when I intend to do good. But they're that, mistakes ... not patterns.

The conversation was painful, while not the only one that accuses me of spiraling or "being crazy", the only solution to being called that was to lack emotion. Just so everyone is aware, every time I get upset is not related to an illness, I'm a human and just as anyone else can get mad or sad or happy, I can too. It only exacerbates when it's related to my children. I'm a really good mom, and any implication that I'm not - is not only a lie, but has the ability to take me out at the knees.

I can no longer handle the #accusations, the #intimidation, the words, the lack of understanding, and the implied ... that I am a danger to, well, everyone. I suddenly realized one of the most hurtful things I ever had, there's a level of toxicity that is scary. I was in my house alone, incredibly upset, and reliving a feeling that took the breath out of me 2 years ago. I was convinced I was a burden. I was convinced I don't belong. I was convinced I'm nothing but a fuck-up. I went to a very dark place, one that I had been in before and I never wanted to go back to. This time, though, I had the wherewithal to distract myself - and it worked.

I am growing. I am learning. I am doing the best with what I have. And yet, I've decided that a couple of people who had always been supportive and vice versa, had decided otherwise.

I've had terrible break-ups with partners, I have gotten divorced from someone I love because we were no longer growing together, but this kind of pain .. is nothing I've ever experienced before. This person is a brother to me. We have been through so much together ... he has been beyond generous and always helped me out financially, a concept I wish I could give back. We have been through death, through grief, through the breakdown of countless relationships with others. We have also, whether the rest of the family or not, celebrated birthdays, rooted for eachother in life in general, cried, laughed, had tough but honest conversations, have leaned on eachother when faced with a situation or issue in life. And here I was, realizing that our relationship is toxic, and what I've learned is that I need to do what is best for me, because that is best for my children. Yet, the opposing decision, to keep it going, runs the risk of sending me to a place I may not be able to pick myself up from. It is dark, it is permanent, and it is scary.

I am important. I am a good person. I deserve happiness, love, and a rewarding life. And if the people I love believe me to be the opposite, it's time to back away.

This resulted in an urgent meeting with my therapist, a discussion with those who do care about me and my wellbeing, and the ability to remain #honest with myself and others. It also resulted in overwhelming #intrusivethoughts, a severe level of sadness, but also a willingness to ask others for help. These people were my rocks, they were always there as I was for them, we operated as a family, and yet here I am, and that relationship is no longer.

I just wish someone had told me that the decision to walk away from a person who doesn't mean to hurt me but does, can cause the most pain.