Taking Space

I hadn't updated the blog with any new content since the beginning of June, up until last week.

So I asked myself why?

I have been extremely overwhelmed with the emotional rollercoaster I’ve been on. Interestingly enough, things would happen, I’d process them, and then promise myself to sit down and write, but either couldn’t figure out a way to articulate what I was feeling or was distracting myself with other things that needed to get done.

Even in a state of remission (no illness episodes), there are still #challenges and not specifically physical all the time. I didn’t have feelings, or I didn’t understand what they were, until 37. I was either #complacent or angry. I had no sense of #emotionalregulation and certainly wasn’t always happy. There’s a big part of me that always thought if I take the right steps for my kids and myself, everything would be perfect. It doesn’t work like that. I felt like I was on a seesaw in June!

This last month, I was sad. My kids aren’t home much, between #growingup and adjusting #custody arrangements to provide additional time for me to get acclimated when I was released from the last hospital, as well as additional time to work on myself to be not just a good mom, as I was before, but a great mom. The positive is that it’s temporary, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’ve lost so much time. Their situation at their father’s house included some big milestones over the last few months. I was only worried because sometimes they also don't know how to articulate their feelings, but worried no more. They happily welcomed their father's girlfriend and daughters into their house permanently, and were pleased to be present for their engagement not long after. The only remaining negative at this point is the limited time they have with me. As far as that goes, they’re looking forward to getting back to normal, it's taken its toll on all of us.

This last month, I felt grateful. I am grateful for my new career, my oldest son being home, the time I did have with my boys, connecting with old friends, having parents that understand I’m different, who don’t judge, and put in effort to become more educated on my life experience and challenges with mental health. I am grateful for my dog, she knows my emotions, and brings comfort when they’re really big, and dysregulated.

This last month, I felt tired. I spent a lot of time thinking too much about life, about friendships, about betrayal and inferiority, about my health, about the relationship I have with each of my children, about one of my favorite quotes,

The only way out is through.

For the first time in about 11 years, I made a doctor’s appointment for myself. I always prioritized the kids appointments. It was time to take care of myself. A few things were identified that require follow-up. (If there was ever a time to be grateful, it was for pulling the trigger and scheduling an appointment, early detection of issues is always a relief.) Though the issues identified cause confusion, tiredness, and lethargy. Confusion is not a concern right now, and proper care will stop that from coming to fruition.

This last month, I felt more comfortable with myself than I have in a long time. Looking in the mirror, I always picked myself apart, whether it’s my face or my body or even my hair. It’s now an infrequent behavior. That said, I have not put make-up on except when going out (at night). This may sound like nothing, but I could only go out like that in the past because it was a mask for me, and at least people couldn’t really “see” me. And it wasn’t the only “mask” I wore. I remember a partner say to me, “Do you wear your glasses to hide?” And the truth was, yes I did. Now I wear them because I like to, because I think they look good, and because my eyes need a break sometimes. I do realize this sounds quite childish, but self-love, self-confidence, and self-respect came far later in life for me, and still continue to waiver.

I let my guard down with my partner, someone whom I have been off and on with for a couple years. I would always get scared and run. I have #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder, which is caused by #trauma and consistent #abandonment from a young age. It is characterized by pervasive emotional instability, intense fears of abandonment, chronic feelings of #emptiness, and highly volatile interpersonal relationships. The effects are … experiencing rapid, extreme mood swings—ranging from intense rage and anxiety to deep depression—often triggered by perceived rejection or stress. People with BPD often make frantic efforts to avoid actual or perceived abandonment. Relationships tend to be intense and unstable, quickly shifting between extremes of #idealization ("love") and #devaluation ("hate"). Identity disturbance is common, causing sudden shifts in goals, values, or career paths. It frequently drives impulsive or self-destructive behaviors such as #recklessspending, #substancemisuse, self-harm, or #suicidalideation.

Alongside recovery, my BPD diagnosis was eye-opening. It made me understand so much more about myself. It provided me more of a direction to go as I move forward with life. I am cognizant of the effects, which inevitably helps me deter from activating the above symptoms and reactions. Any diagnosis gives me the opportunity to understand, and change in the best way. I have to embrace the uncomfortable in order to get to the comfortable. It is imperative that I remain vigilant, and incorporate suggestions provided by professionals. There are no meds to help with BPD, it requires consistent work and self-honesty.

I got this – grit and bear it!!