To Sleep? Or not to Sleep?

THAT, is the question.

.. and the answer is always YES (as long as it is part of an acceptable sleep schedule)

This really hit me, square between the eyes, but to be clear, it's an important factor for all humans ...

Sleep isn't just "important" when you live with bipolar disorder, it's one of the biggest factors that can either protect your stability ... or quietly unravel it.

And the hard part?

Lack of sleep doesn't always feel like a problem at first.

I lock my car keys in a safe at night. Not just a normal safe, but one that operates on a timer. It cannot be opened with the combo, until the "alarm" goes off. This may be one of the harder things to admit. Your average person, they likely wouldn't feel the necessity to do such a thing.

Truth is, it doesn't matter whether you have a #mentalillness or not. When anyone loses multiple days of sleep, exactly what they say can happen .. actually does. To be frank, anyone can die from multiple days of little to no sleep. It results in no rest for your brain, nor anything else. Google this shit. It's for real. In fact, take it a skep further and ask a medical professional. Educate yourself, below are a number of results for the entire population of the world to be impacted by, no matter their mental illness status:

• Emotional Dysregulation: Increased irritability, mood swings, impulsivity, and reduced ability to manage stress.

• Cognitive Impairment: Reduced attention span, slow cognitive processing, "sluggish" thinking, and impaired memory.

• Mental Health Disorders: Chronic deprivation is linked to increased risks of depression, anxiety, and in severe cases, suicidal ideation.

• Perceptual Distortions: Prolonged sleep loss can cause hallucinations or severe confusion.

• Reduced Quality of Life: Increased emotional distress, poor judgment, and reduced ability to function socially or professionally

Here's a really clear example, I ran out of gas on the highway after a work function. #Dissociation is one of the results of lack of sleep (See - Cognitive Impairment). I was not #intoxicated, nor had I used any drugs. I was just incapable of remembering how to get home, I assume. The state police officer that found me pulled over on the left side of the highway knew it was #CognitiveImpairment, and not anything else. Not only could I not remember why I was in a town up north when I lived in the Southwestern area of Connecticut, but I insisted that I was in the city right next to the town I actually lived in. All he gave me a ticket for was "Having an inoperable vehicle on the highway". What he didn't do, was make me feel stupid or inept because of what was happening. Instead, he told me to call someone who knew me well, so he could speak to them about pick-up and my state of confusion. In retrospect, he showed a considerable amount of #compassion, for which I am# grateful.

I became aware of the impact lack of sleep had when I was #institutionalized the end of that week. Aside from emergency response workers and our military (any branch) I really think there are not as prevalent a percentage of the general public that would find themselves in such a position. So, for the next 42 days, I received assistance in better understanding myself, being aware of situations that cause a major impact on my cognitive awareness, and being properly medicated resulting in a #foundation of #stability.

While the help in understanding myself was beneficial, the truth is that this cognitive impairment made me afraid, of myself, of #stability, and also resulted in a lack of confidence to be an upstanding human in society.

Just a year later, I was driving in New York, and "came to" what can only be described as a dissociated status when I crashed my car into not just one large tree, but many. The car was on fire, my airbags had not deployed, and I realized I wasn't wearing a seatbelt. I had made a poor personal choice, evidently, to leave and get in a car that night. To this day, I have no clue where I was driving to, and no clue how I lost control of my vehicle. When I dissected the happenings days later, I realized, yet again, I was sleep deprived over a span of 4 days.

I let one of my kids down, on another level. It was difficult to accept that, because it was my fault that I allowed myself to stay up for so many days, and think I was going to make sound decisions. I was getting my new place ready for them to be there this very same week, and I let my excitement get the best of me.

The consequences of this ordeal were devastating, they changed what I thought of myself, they again disrupted the relationship with 2 of the three people who mean the most to me, and it opened an opportunity for certain people (who were ready, willing, and waiting for the opening) to slander and defame my character. And that, is still happening.

The #EmotionalDysregulation: Increased irritability, mood swings, impulsivity, and reduced ability to manage stress.

• Cognitive Impairment: Reduced attention span, slow cognitive processing, "sluggish" thinking, and impaired memory.

• Mental Health Disorders: Chronic deprivation is linked to increased risks of depression, anxiety, and in severe cases, suicidal ideation.

• Perceptual Distortions: Prolonged sleep loss can cause hallucinations or severe confusion.

• Reduced Quality of Life: Increased emotional distress, poor judgment, and reduced ability to function socially or professionally.

The impact this has had on my life is quite possibly the most awful ramification I've been faced with. There are certain actions I take accountability for, certain actions that I apologized for, but I've refused to acknowledge the lies being spread. Which, unfortunately resulted in isolation, and pain that I nearly couldn't withstand.

BUT I will say this, I'm still contending, and will continue until things go back to the way they should be. Many days, this reality makes it nearly impossible to motivate myself, because the negative self talk deems me a horrible human. And yet, if I can get out of my own way, I know that's not true.

Spittin' some real life for you all, but know -I'll never stop locking up my keys, and I will never stop pushing for what is right. Because this certainly is not it.

No matter what.