Surrender

When I was 15, a therapist recommended that I speak with a psychiatrist for Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder.

It was ignored, at the time, by my parents, because it had seemed as if everyone that went to therapy was being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.

I went back to therapy at 29, when I gave up the “good fight” and worked hard to maintain my sobriety. Again, the same mental illness diagnosis was suggested. This time it was ME who refused to accept, declined the diagnosis and suggestions associated, and used it as a reason to discontinue attending my sessions.

That said, I had 6.5 years of continuous sobriety.

Until I didn’t. I was proud and confident, but also had not taken the opportunity to take the cotton out of my ears and shove it in my mouth.

I woke up in a strange bed, in a strange place, with strangers on my 37^th birthday. I had committed myself into Rehab late the night before after a long struggle with my mental health.

Over the next 42 days, I learned so much about myself, and about #mentalhealth in general. Every person’s experiences are different, but being around others that have struggled in the way that I did gave me hope for the future; for my ex-husband and sons, my parents, my colleagues, and my friends.

While in Rehab, I was diagnosed with an onslaught of mental illnesses, inclusive of those that I had been diagnosed with 22 years prior. While overwhelming, there was a strong sense of relief. To me, I finally had answers to the why’s of my life. I was willing and able to surrender. I was at my whit’s end and wasn’t able to come up with solutions on my own, it was time to get real and lean in on others.

“How come I self #sabotage?”

“Why am I scared of #commitment?”

“Why do I hold relationships with people that are toxic, scare me and/or steal my energy with their bullshit?”

“How come I have weeks where, regardless of any good in my life, I don’t want to wake up, I don’t want to fulfill my responsibilities, I don’t want to be around people, I don’t want to DO life, FUCK I don’ t even want to tie my sneakers?”

In those instances, I would use any stimulant to attempt alleviating the invisible pain – it didn’t work. #Escape only works for so long, those feelings, struggles and experiences are there after you come down from the high or the drunk. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

“Why do I have specific time periods of the opposite, energy for days, causing multiple days of little to no sleep?” In those instances, I tried to drink my way to sleep – it didn’t work.

“Why does everyone else seem to have a grip and I can’t catch on to stability of any kind nearly 4 decades into life, with three kids, my own home, a strenuous and demanding job (that I loved), and a blatant subconscious resolution to self-sabotage?”

“Why do I ruin everything good?”

Rehab was a blessing, and my growth was a miracle, truly. The answers and suggestions to me helped provide a foundation for myself, my medical team was my saving grace, they helped me begin to accept myself, assisted in stopping the tendency to refer to others and their experience as normal, and set boundaries with all personal and business relationships, which included truly believing that “No”,  is a full sentence.

IYKYK.

It was just a start to beginning my path to #happiness, to #freedom, to #acceptance, to connecting with my innermost #emotions and #memories, to finding a true personal #purpose outside of my family and also, a sense of belonging. Something that up until recently, I had no awareness that I had never felt like I belonged, and by some other miracle, I do now.

If you were to map out my life, it would "draw" my mental illnesses in visual form. There would be no questions, just answers. As an individual, it was far to much to bear on my own, so I set out on a path with the goal to be honest with myself providing me to have the chance to finally be honest with “my people”.

Stay tuned, perhaps my “tell all” of an unrealized life of GRIT, pain, healing, acceptance and connection will help you too. That’s my goal.