Manuel & Jack

... and Their Mission for Subterfuge.

Being a single mother certainly doesn't mean I don't want a life partner or companion. That said, I've tried to date, primarily for the last 2 years. Prior to that, I really wasn't ready. For someone who deals with trust issues, abandonment issues, and negative self-talk, the consequences of deceivers/dissumlators is ten-fold.

Note: This is only a starter list for two particularly disturbing relationships. The most recent with a pseudologue, which is a term for a person who engages in pseudologia fantastica—telling dramatic, detailed, and grandiose lies. In an effort to protect his anonymity, let's call him Manuel, and the other Jack.

Jack

• Slicing open a window screen and climbing through because I didn’t pick up the phone at 7:30 AM

• Flower deliveries daily, bigger every day

• Presents daily

• “I love you” 2 weeks in

• “Let’s just stay in” always

• “You can visit your parents a different day, let’s just have an us day.”

• "You can’t spend time with other men, it doesn’t look right. You’re cheating on me.” Cue the Catholic guilt ... and the loss of platonic relationships with friends that were family.

• Cleaning my property while I’m gone (means they’re hiding or disposing of something they didn’t want me to see)

• Their clothes appearing in drawers and closets randomly, or just stacking up over time

• Gaslighting

Manuel

• Multiple phones

• Never using personal credit cards

• Elusive behavior

• Consistently breaking plans with “I will make it up to you” followed by some sort of fake pull at my emotions, but also following through

• “My mother needs 24/7 care.” An easy way out, all the time, after all ... family first.

• “Service doesn’t work at my parents.” Lack of regular communication has a “rational” excuse

• “My ex-wife takes my phone when I have the kids.” Lack of regular communication has a “rational” excuse, again

• Can’t keep up with their own lies, and when you probe, they respond in a manner that makes you feel guilty for asking

• Friends stating the exact same thing as though they all rehearsed the same story (because they did)

• When out, consistently looking over their shoulder, squirrelly or anxious (it's only logical that it would be due to who will see them). But always making sure to have a hand on you or wrapped around you, possession is more important than getting caught for being in multiple relationships

• “I broke my phone, I had to get a new one.”

• “Baby girl, you’re so good to me.” As if I hadn’t fallen already

• “We have a connection unlike any other.” Now I’m definitely in it for the long run.

• “You’re mine, right? And I’m yours.” Manipulation

• “Whatever you want, I want.” More Manipulation

• (In reference to us as a couple) “Not just for right now, how about forever.” And, still, more manipulation … the cherry on top.

• “Where would we be if we stayed together the first time we met?” Years lost, but forever to be gained. Sick and twisted manipulation.

• Excessive side conversations, particularly with people of the opposite sex .. these are not innocent

• There’s so many others, and just to reiterate, this is the short list from two particular relationships, most of which are from my most recent with Manuel, and concurrently the most twisted. (Love to hear yours, shoot me an email)

What’s the result? Given that the red flags are only seen when looking backwards after the damage has been done, I wind up paranoid, depressed, and tend to isolate. It temporarily strips me of self-confidence, self-worth, and trust in anyone else. Tack on Borderline Personality Disorder, which is likely brought on by childhood and adolescent PTSD and abandonment issues, it’s a recipe for disaster. For every step I take forward in creating stability, I am shoved backward by cowardly individuals with manipulation, possessiveness, control, paranoia, and deceit. The symptoms of BPD include Fear of Abandonment, Unstable Relationships, Unstable Self-Image, Impulsive Behavior, Extreme Mood Swings, Chronic Emptiness, Dissociation/Paranoia, amongst other more serious symptoms.

Do the math, not only am I inclined to already have issues before the red flags (which is just a nice way of saying abuse or grooming in these particular situations) but the disorder is characterized by the same issues.

All I have left to say on this is, you know who you are, you know what you did, and you know very intimately the impact it will have on my mental status if I don't immediately process the depth of what happened. And, this time, I’m not going to let another sick and twisted human shove me backwards. Go fuck yourself.

People, just get honest.

And to the real ones out there ... Be careful with your minds and hearts, we only get one of each.