Reality Bites

It’s hard to explain depression. And then I had a weekend, like the one I had and I wish I could allow others into my body to feel what I felt, or lack there of.

Memorial Day Weekend is perhaps my favorite of all in any given year. If coming in second, only to that of the 4^th of July. This past Memorial Day Weekend included baseball games, visits from my two closest high school friends, a visit from my brother and his wife, the high school graduation of my oldest son, the annual town parade, and while rainy, promised to bring sun the afternoon of the actual holiday.

I was barely present. I made the Friday night baseball game, but missed the games on Saturday morning. I could barely keep my eyes open, but responded to an urgent call from my oldest to take care of some last minute graduation requirements Saturday evening. Sunday morning, sleep and the thumb I’ve been living under nearly kept me from watching my son’s graduation. Nonetheless, I made it.

Upon arriving home after graduation, I was slave to sleep again. I woke only to say goodbye to my oldest before he left to celebrate with his fellow graduates. Immediately following, it was sleep again. I missed the time expected to spend with my two closest friends from high school, and woke the following day at 12:35 PM, missing the parade, my children, and all the other happenings that come with the Memorial Day Parade. My parents called and I sounded quite hoarse, on top of everything else it seemed my allergies had been acting up nearly all weekend. In playing the blame game, that’s where I placed it, after all a symptom of allergies is sleepiness. Which, in truth, could very well have been the culprit – regardless, the consequence of my reality gave way to an arch nemesis.

I missed obligations that impact my purpose. Had the need for sleep actually been my allergies and nothing else, it resulted in a feeling of uselessness, shame and lack of purpose. The world of those that matter most to me move whether I am present or not, it’s me that misses out. Read that again, and imagine the toll it takes on any human being.

My oldest arrived home this morning, with a friend, safe and sound, albeit tired. I awoke also, took a shower and made my way to work. My allergies are still very much there, my demeanor is flat. Today, I will take on the only way I know how in this state,

“Faith it til you make it.”

I have others to lead, to listen to, and to support – I know in my heart of hearts that if I keep taking even a minor step forward as the day wears on, I will come out on the other end … only hoping for some big hugs should I have the opportunity to see my children, if for just a moment, come the end of the day. I am so proud of them, so constantly in awe of them, and carry an unconditional love for them, I fear it is unknown to others when I battle this type of invisible hinderance.

Life goes on, some days are far harder than others, but I refuse to give up. I have come this far, battled far too much, and have so much yet to see, feel, and bear witness to, there is no other option.

To those who have days similar to what I’ve described, don’t forget, these feelings are temporary. Keep going and your bound to have days worth far more than the difficult ones. Because … me, too.