Never-Ending Roller Coaster

Imagine being on a roller coaster – up and down, left and right, fast and slow, fun and outright petrifying. Now imagine being on the same rollercoaster, but instead of a quick 3 minute trip … it’s decades long.

That’s the best analogy for my life.

I wanted to get off, to walk on solid ground, to not be flipped upside down, to not feel debilitating fear when things move too fast, and complete anxiety when they moved too slow. I wanted to be able to connect with people, not just from a distance, but up close. I knew I didn’t have to ride the rollercoaster, but it was all I knew. So the truth is, after years of sustained riding, it was far more comfortable on the coaster, than it was to get off. The chaos felt safe, far safer than the concept of being on the ground.

Getting off the rollercoaster meant that I had to ask someone capable for help, waving my hands in the air and saying, “GET ME OFF!” Initially, I was concerned that I would stop the ride for others, only to turn around and see, there was no one ON the rollercoaster with me. I was alone, and all the people, they were on solid ground. They seemed to know enough to not get on this infinite ride, but instead to stick together.

For me, one of the best treatment solutions for my Mental Illnesses, is connecting with other people. The amount of time that I spent alone, the amount of time that I felt lonely, increased my state of depression and anxiety that resulted in isolating, little to no motivation, and lack of interest in the things I always loved. Things that we’ve all heard 100 million times as far as depression and anxiety go.

For me to feel comfortable, I turned to alcohol and drugs, something else I'm not alone in, something that so many can relate to. I was self-soothing and self-medicating in an effort to be one of the lucky ones standing on the ground. Truth be told, the ground was even more painful than riding the rollercoaster alone, because while I was surrounded by others, I had never felt so alone.

I was 13, and this was just the beginning.

As far as my story and experiences go – the one thing I had was grit. A noun defined as “courage and resolve; strength of character”. At the time, I didn't realize it of course, but as I look back, I wouldn't still be here without it. In other words, at the very least I kept on going. But, I wouldn’t find resolve and safety until 38 years old. A quarter of a century later I understood what a miracle it was that I was still standing, and even more so that I was willing to do whatever it takes to stay off the damn rollercoaster.

I invite you to join me as I dissect the experiences over those 25 years, but warn you, it is analogous to a LifeTime movie that felt like it was never going to end.

Perhaps you can find some takeaways for your own good, nod your head as you relate, or just get sheer amusement out of a woman who was once asked,

“Do bad things just happen to you or do you ask for them?”

You choose. Because I’ll never be sure. The one thing I am sure of, is that my life experiences were meant to be shared, they have purpose that is so much bigger than me.

So, here we go ...