It's not all bad ...

Someone asked me, “What makes it all worth it?”

I questioned what they meant. Are we talking about my past? Are we talking about the present? Are we talking about the future?

If we’re talking about the past, I have just figured it out in the last year. The #pain, the #poordecisions, the cowering in regards to #abuse of many kinds, the lack of #honesty and #forgiveness,

the inability to talk about my feelings, the awareness of self and of others, the inability to even articulate my #feelings, and the inability to stay present made no sense to me.

How come everyone had a handbook?

When I left my career, after 15 years, I knew it was the right decision. My #passion was in #mentalhealth, I wanted to help people that were just like me, regardless of their economic status, gender, sexual orientation, religion, etc. I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to do it, but I knew it was becoming apparent that I had the skills and the experience to help others.

Initially, I decided to get my Masters in #SocialWork. I lasted a semester or two. I couldn't wrap my head around how I was going to be able to hold down a job, work an internship, and be a mom. Then my therapist told me about a certification I could get, that I could use my life, my experiences, and my past to help others. So I did. I got the certification that allowed me to work with others with mental illness and/or substance use disorder. I didn’t have to hold back on my own experiences, my purpose was to #relate, to understand, to let them know they're not alone, to help others realize that it wasn’t a #lifesentence or, in some cases, a death sentence.

I’ve been working at a psychiatric hospital for 5 months. I have the ability to connect with people from all walks of life. I’ve felt what they felt, I’ve been where they’ve been, I’ve questioned my importance, and dealt with the inability to identify my #selfworth, #selfesteem, and #selfconfidence. When I was institutionalized, all I wanted was to get out of the hospital as quickly as possible. I've had the mindset that I don’t need to be in the hospital, that I don’t need the help, that I’m simply just misunderstood. I’ve attempted to escape. I’ve been restrained. I’ve lost my #connection to #reality.

There was nothing broken about me. It wasn’t that I wasn’t #normal (what the fuck is normal anyway?). It was that I HAVE something, not that I AM something.

I threw my hands up and #surrendered. I learned that my desire to use substances was a matter of self-medicating. I learned that the rollercoaster ride I was on, held a purpose. I learned that if I put in the work, I can live an average life. I learned that if I listen to others, like realllllllly listen, I can make the #nextrightdecision. I learned that I can step forward without fear, without uncertainty, without pain.

Today, I have purpose that is so much bigger than me. My role in the #mentalhealth field is to help others find #hope, find #purpose, find love for themselves, to build an awareness that they have an opportunity to handle the challenges that life has put in front of them. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. I am happy, and I have love and hope for everyone that comes through our doors. Nothing, absolutely nothing, is impossible.

One of many goals is to help them find/relclaim their power, dig down deep, feel their

strength and continue to put in the work.

And, that ... that is GRIT.

As for my own future, my plan is to stay on this road. My plan is to take the next step in the right direction, to forgive myself when I make mistakes, to be honest with everyone about my past, to be honest about my present, and to be straightforward about what I plan for the future to hold ...

Family. Happiness. Joy. Love. Empathy.