I am not Broken

I have now been actively working in the #MentalHealth field for 5 months. In that time, I have heard, seen, and felt emotions I was not expecting to, nor experienced before. Given both my history and my role, patients ask many direct questions pertaining to thoughts or actions they know are not right, but think or act anyway.

One of the most common is,

“How do you accept and deal with the fact this will be an issue, a challenge, and define you for the rest of your life?”

Truth be told, there is no right answer. I believe everyone has to come to terms with who they are and what they have to have any chance of moving forward the way that is best for them as an individual.

My response is based on my own #experience and the promise to keep an open mind to other suggestions because I don’t know what I don’t know.

So how do I handle that difficult truth?

When I was diagnosed, I was #overwhelmed with the volume of illnesses and medication I was being treated for and with. I was also overwhelmed with reflecting on my life experiences and knowing that, had I been treated from the time I was a pre-teen, my life would have been dramatically different, and likely not as #challenging. Before I was to move forward with a #strategy to work through these challenges, I needed to accept the idea of resetting my life, changing the trajectory of my future using my #insight, and forgiving myself for taking such a painful #journey.

I live with #Bipolar I with psychosis, #PTSD, #OCD, #ADD, #GeneralAnxietyDisorder, #SevereDepression, #SubstanceUseDisorder and #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder. I was born into this world with a genetic load from both sides of my family that “should” have warned me for what was to come. As an adolescent it wasn’t something that I was aware would be a factor as I became older. Only to find out, it was far more than a factor, it was a life sentence. That said, I have a brother who is not affected by any mental illness diagnoses. In fact, he’s so well, his eye sight is better than 20/20. As if my illnesses weren’t enough to swallow, the consistent comparison I was constantly ruminating about only increased my #feelings of anger, jealousy, frustration, and pain.

My internalization of feelings, #isolation, #lackofmotivation, and #fear only increased my desire to disappear, to escape, to be distracted by anything other than this reality I was now living in. I had to accept help, because everything I had done up until this point, did not work. Escapism was temporary, and coming down from #selfmedicating only put me further and further behind the possibility of #healing.

I’ve come to learn, I am not defined by these illnesses. I have these illnesses. I now know the only way to begin the healing process is to accept what I have and focus on who I am. Everyday I must acknowledge the work required of me to continue the healing process. I must also accept that some days will be much harder than others to not give into self-pity, to not see myself as a burden to those I love, and to believe that I deserve to be happy.

I have been asked by a judge,

“What are you going to do to ensure this doesn’t happen again?”

Knowing that I promised to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, I clearly explained I will never be able to say, “I can guarantee this won’t ever happen again.” This particular judge had no education as it related to lack of sleep (separate from mental illness), he had no education, or perhaps just didn’t believe, that mental illnesses are real and have great impact on those who have them. He was ignorant, he was vindictive, and he was close-minded. He opted to believe the lies that were told to him, instead of the truth provided him by the experts in the field of psychology and psychiatry. As an individual who was verbally, mentally, and emotionally #abused, I was told,

“You pick and choose when you are bipolar. You are crazy. I will make your life more of a living hell than I already have.”

Not only was it ignorant, but also demoralizing, heartbreaking, and dangerous. I knew that the words spoken to me by this individual had the ability to send me into a very bad place, which was likely part of their strategy for causing excruciating pain. Before I knew it, the rumors generated about me became #grandiose, identifying me as a monster, so much of a monster people were led to believe that I would physically and emotionally purposely hurt my children.

Nothing could be further from the truth, and the party who stated as such knew it was a lie, openly admitting so outside of the courtroom.

Yes, I have to live with what I have for the rest of my life. Yes, those who choose to be part of my life will also have to deal with my behaviors for as long as they’re willing. I am neither perfect nor broken, #Iamdifferent. The only person who knows exactly what I have experienced and will experience is me. I will have good days and bad days. I will make mistakes and attempt to fix them. I will ask for #help and #support as needed. I will continue to meet with my treatment team on a consistent basis. I will continue to take my medication, which I see as the #foundation for my ability to deal with what I have. I will continue to share my experiences in hopes of helping others. I will remind myself that alongside my kids being my primary purpose, the experiences I have had and will have are a blessing, in that I have an #opportunity to help others, to offer human connection that lacks judgment, doesn’t include derogatory language, and is built on trust, honesty, and loyalty.

So, yes, I do have to deal with the ups and downs for the rest of my life, the judgment of others, constantly evaluating that which is toxic (people or environments) to remove the negativity and save my energy for those that matter, including myself. Today, I choose to believe that the journey I have had provides me an opportunity that others

will never have. I have an opportunity to fight the stigma associated with mental health/illness. I am unique, but in the world of mental illness I am relatable, an overall #advocate for #mentalhealthtreatment, and a human that chooses to meet others “where they are”.

Bottom line, this is my life, one that I now look at as a blessing, and I’m here for it … and for you. So, yes, my illnesses are terminal, but my hope, dedication, and drive to help others is the invisible “medication” I need to continue to move forward.

Grit, that’s grit.

You’ve got it too!