Anger is my Middle Name

For as long as I can remember, anger has always been the easiest emotion for me to express, and the first one that comes to the surface - far more than any other. For the longest time, I felt as though it was the only emotion I had.

About halfway through my past career, my boss began referring to the timeframe from 2015-2016 as my "angry years". It just so happened that this was the time when my addictions had come to a head in my adult life. I was doing everything I never thought I'd do, sabotaging my most important relationships, our finances, my responsibilities and my career - all by my own hand.

The problem was, I was looking around and pointing the finger at everyone else. Now, news flash, I didn't get to this place without hurt feelings, feeling less than or misunderstood, being disrespected or just plain ignored. I just dealt with all of the above in the worst way seemingly possible. Instead of letting others hurt me, I was going to hurt everyone else. A subconscious thought, that I'm only aware of because of the amount of work I've had the opportunity to do on myself.

And I did a real number on the people I cared about the most. Admittedly, my actions during these "angry years" played a part in the dissolution of my marriage. I chose to ignore my financial responsibilities that year, and lost the trust I had in myself and that my ex-husband had in me. I became a guest in my own home, I lost any and all confidence (of which I didn't really have), and I nearly lost my job.

But I had all these "yets", right? I hadn't been arrested. I hadn't lost my job. I hadn't been institutionalized. So I patted myself on the back for that. Initially, it was incredibly frustrating that I was forced to change, while everyone else was allowed to stay the same. I wanted to be normal - insert anger. I wanted to be included - insert anger. I wanted to be given a trophy for everyday I woke up sober - insert anger. I wanted to be able to go to meetings any and all times of the day - insert anger. I wanted to be forgiven - insert anger. The list can go on and on and on and on ...

So that was the problem, this whole anger issue. I was forced to write a gratitude list on a daily basis by the sponsor I had at the time. I thought it was dumb and fake and worthless. Until I had made a consistent effort on a daily basis to wake up and identify 3 things I was grateful for. Honestly, sometimes it was as basic as "waking up today" or "the sun". As time went on, I identified all sorts of things I was grateful for ... relationships with certain people, my sobriety, my colleagues (even the ones I didn't like), the food in my belly, my ability to debate professionally with a bunch of men at the board room table, my work ethic ... and this was another list that could go on and on.

Everytime I find myself going into an anger spiral, not for a few hours, not for a couple days - but for an ongoing period of time - I get honest with me. I identify what it is that's really getting under my skin, and staying there. And I slow down, take a breath, and pick it apart. I find gratitude in there somewhere, I find my part in the situation, and I find a way to let it go.

Anger isn't something we want to hold onto. It kills us from the inside out. It takes far more energy to be angry than it does to be content. Let's take the road that's certain und to give us the best outcome.